


You Be You, and I'll Be Me

by Ladytalon



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Humor, Medical Kink, Sexual Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 05:15:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5815600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It resembles the start of some really bad ECHOnet porn, but he can work with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Be You, and I'll Be Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was intended to be a humorous story with no explicit content at all, but after I commissioned [Nogutsnoglory](http://nogutsnoglory.tumblr.com/) for some sexy Zed/Tannis and received [this](http://ladytalon1.tumblr.com/post/137691359401/i-commissioned-nogutsnoglory-for-some-zedtannis) in return...how could I resist? Also, YES! I am fully aware that the Roadside Jumpstart Infirmary doesn't have a sink...I added one because it needs to be there. Wash your hands, Zed.

There's something to be said about standing around and minding your own business... Zed's sure there is, but he's forgotten it. The proverb most likely ends in a cautionary statement about having people involve you in _their_ business. Or something about how it's just asking for trouble - yes, that's probably how it goes.

He has a feeling he'll find out sooner than later since Patricia's just come through the door of his clinic acting strangely. Zed leans on his desk and watches her flutter over by the privacy curtains, not sure if he should say something or simply let her get...whatever this is...out of her system. 

She clears her throat and whirls to face him. "Oh, my _goodness_. I seem to have come down with an illness that requires immediate medical attention," Patricia announces loudly.

"You look fine to me," he says when it becomes clear that she's waiting for him to reply.

Patricia strikes a pose, leaning on one of the gurneys in the corner and generally acting so damned weird that Zed starts to wonder if she's drunk. "Well," she says, still at full volume, "perhaps you might consider performing a thorough physical examination." She twists around and tosses her head dramatically - if she had long hair, it _might_ look sexy but all she really accomplishes is whipping her goggles across the room at him.

"Honey, what are you _doin'?_ "

She widens her eyes at him meaningfully. "Maybe I should just begin to disrobe right here, in this sweaty meatbox of a-"

" _Hey_."

"-in this terribly _public_ place of business," Patricia says instead, as if he'd never interrupted her.

Zed tries not to smile as he watches her, because she sounds like the beginning of some really bad ECHOnet porn. In fact...it's like something he'd seen just the other day when he'd turned on the device at _her_ house. Huh. He’d been left with the impression she hadn’t known it was on that particular frequency…mostly because she’d screamed and slapped him in the face as if it had been _his_ fault. "Tricia," he asks suspiciously, "You tryin' to seduce me or somethin'?"

"It's about time you noticed," she tells him in a normal tone, looking offended.

"Oh. Sorry."

She shifts into another pose, planting both her hands on the gurney and craning her neck so that she can look over her shoulder at him. "I am ready for my exam, Doctor!" The loud voice is back, and so is his urge to laugh. 

"I ain't gonna do ya in the middle of the dang clinic," Zed feels obligated to mention. "If you need a real exam, then that's a bit different."

Patricia gnaws at her lower lip, eyeing him speculatively. "I need a real exam," she says, still being so loud and shifty-eyed that he just knows she's lying. Still, she's probably overdue for one so he might as well assure himself that she's completely healthy...the constant exposure to eridium can't be good for her.

"That's fine, then," he says calmly, pushing off from his desk and going over to extend the privacy screens. The curtains are looking a little ragged, but they still get the job done so Zed's not worried about replacing them just yet. "Gimme a second and I'll get you a..." He turns to see that she's pulled a silky little robe out of nowhere. "...gown. That ain't medical grade," Zed frowns.

"Who knows what has come into contact with the gowns that are here?" Patricia says with her customary bluntness. "It's the cleanest thing in this clinic."

Zed coughs a warning at her but she simply widens her eyes at him in a nonverbal _"...what?"_ so he lets it slide and orders her to get undressed while he draws up the appropriate paperwork. He wouldn't put it past her to try something, like accidentally-on-purpose not being completely changed before he goes back over there.

This turns out to be the case, and Patricia lets out a theatrical gasp after he raps his knuckles against the wall and slides the screen back. "You startled me," she practically yells, taking her time closing the robe so he gets an eyeful of what he woke up to just this morning. "I feel so _exposed_...!"

"Uh huh," Zed says, trying to ignore how nice she looks because this is _official business_ and he's always prided himself on not being distracted by a beautiful body when there's work to be done, no matter how admirable the physique...and he's seen his share of them, with all the Vault Hunters that always seem to end up at his mercy. He can't help but smile at how persistent Patricia's being, since he has his mask still on and she won't be able to see it. They've done their share of medically inspired fumbling in the privacy of their respective homes, but something has really inspired her to try for it in public. He'll have to find out exactly what she's been watching.

Patricia keeps eyeing him and making suggestive comments, giving him mock-sexy looks that aren't completely _mock_ , and Zed slowly finds himself getting riled despite his best efforts to keep his cool. Sure, he's spent a decent amount of time daydreaming what it'd be like to bend her over a gurney and just go to town on her, but this is the closest he's ever gotten to making that particular fantasy a reality. Well, there was that _one_ time...but they'd both been so drunk it doesn't even count, even if she _does_ claim that he wasn't half bad. He shakes his head and returns to checking her reflexes, trying to ignore how her robe has magically come undone for what seems like the millionth time in the last five minutes.

"I believe I shall need a breast exam next," Patricia declares.

" _Really._ " Zed sighs and leans in to shine a light into her eyes, having her track his finger from side to side before moving to check her ears. "We ain't havin' sex here. Go ahead and lie back - lift your arm over your head, please." 

Patricia gives him the stink-eye, raising her arm as requested. "Yes, we are."

"It's always nice to have a dream - don't go losin' all that optimism," Zed says encouragingly.

"I can be very persuasive, Zed," she warns him.

"Noted."

He manages to complete the entirely unnecessary breast exam with his usual aplomb and then Patricia decides that a pap smear is in order, at which point he draws the line. "Enough, okay? That kinda thing just ain't right."

"Why not?"

"'Cause I get other women besides you in here, and they trust me to be the kind of doctor who'll respect 'em no matter what." He hates to turn her down, but this is something he really feels strongly about. There are more than enough so-called doctors who take shameless advantage of their patients, and he'll never be one of them. Just thinking about it makes him angry.

She pouts at him, and he reminds her that he has no problem with "playing doctor" at home because they'd done so just last week. Patricia sighs and appears to accept her defeat so Zed moves closer, intending to give her a kiss before she gets dressed to go.

Appearances, Zed thinks a split second later, can be very deceiving. The instant he gets close enough to her, the treacherous woman's got her hands behind his smock and down the front of his pants. "Is there anything in your personal code of conduct that precludes receiving sexual favors as payment for devices rendered?" Patricia asks him sweetly.

" _Yes_."

"Zed, you are ruining carefully laid plans for my physical conquest of you in your place of business!" she complains, actually tightening her fingers around what she's grabbed when he tries to pull her hand out of his pants.

"Consider me physically conquered, hon. Now, let go of my balls 'cause I still need 'em."

"For what?"

"For _you_. Get outta there!"

Patricia releases him with obvious reluctance, and Zed strips off one of his gloves so that he can adjust himself. "I could have done that for you," she mutters. "This whole experience has been a disaster from start to finish. I was _told_ that role play would-"

"Whoa, whoa...you were _told_? Who's tellin' you this stuff?"

Zed helps her back into her clothes while the story comes out - apparently she'd been hanging out at Moxxi's listening to a few Vault Hunters giving Mister Torgue advice on how to ‘snare’ Sir Hammerlock, and had wanted to try one of the tips. If _Torgue_ had been involved, Zed considers himself lucky that Patricia hadn't blown the door to his clinic clean off its hinges and come stomping in to bellow a proposition at him. "I even viewed some pornography in preparation," she tells him sadly. "I simply wished to try something different."

He hates to see her so disappointed, especially when she's gone through so much trouble, but he has an idea that might just fix this whole mess. "Well, sweetheart, if it's different ya want...I got that clinic at T-Bone Junction. Everyone knows I'm only there on Underdome replay nights happenin’ at the Red Light. I’d sure hate to see all that _preparation_ of yours go to waste.” Patricia brightens immediately, making him glad that he’s thought of it – the Roadside Jumpstart Infirmary doesn’t get _any_ people in for well visits; the traffic is either brawlers from Moxxi’s Red Light, Marcus with the latest gossip, or Scooter asking for advice about women. It’s the perfect place to conduct an experiment like this one.

They agree to meet there in an hour, and Patricia sends him some viewing material so that Zed knows what’s expected of him. It’s raunchy as hell, and he doesn’t know how she’s managed to find anything like it, but he figures he can definitely do this for her. Patricia certainly deserves it after all she goes through for him, so Zed skims through it quickly to get a basic idea of what she wants before gathering together some supplies – he’s supposed to have everything ready for her and wants to make sure it lives up to her expectations. Somehow he always winds up confused, which she never really complains about, but it has to wear on her that he seems so damned incompetent because it's definitely irritating to _him_. Well, not this time. This time, he'll do what she wants so that she gets what she needs...no matter how odd he might find it.

Zed gets himself to T-Bone Junction via Fast Travel, hurrying across the street to the Catch-A-Ride before anyone sees him and wants him to look at their weird rash. After dumping his gear into the back of a digistructed Technical, Zed drives it around to his clinic and unlocks the door to unload. Once he's finished making sure everything's clean and the heater's plugged in, Zed props his feet up on his desk and re-watches the video clip carefully.

The thought that Patricia wants to do _that_ with him makes his mouth go dry; he's slowly rubbing his palm over his groin and imagining it when she opens the front door. Zed firmly pushes any lingering embarrassment aside. "You need somethin'?" he asks gruffly, opening a drawer and dropping his ECHO device into it.

Patricia opens her mouth, and closes it again before locking the door and tripping the switch to power down the sign that's outside. "I...I need an exam," she says hesitantly, as if waiting for him to get flustered about it and tell her no.

"Really, now - pretty li'l thing like you? Must be my lucky day," Zed tell her, his 'role' coming easier than he'd thought it might. "Whyn't you come on in, sweetheart? I'll get you taken care of."

"Oh," she says. "If you insist." Patricia gnaws at her lower lip and shoves a hand out. "I am Patricia Tannis."

He takes it and kisses the back of her hand, trailing his fingers over her wrist. "You can call me Doctor Zed."

"Are you always this familiar with your patients?" she asks.

"Just the ones pretty as you, darlin'."

" _Oh_."

Zed guides her over to the exam table he'd covered with warm blankets - despite being built on an overpass in the desert, the Infirmary is always a bit cold. It's nice enough when everyone's wearing clothes but in this case, it needs to be a little warmer. He nudges the heater with the toe of his boot and suggests she make herself comfortable. "Go ahead and put this on, Miss Patricia."

She snatches the silky robe out of his hands. "Please address me as _Doctor_."

"Another doctor, huh? It really _is_ my lucky day." He turns his back on her so that she can undress. "Let me know when you're ready, honey."

" _Doctor_ ," Patricia reminds him.

"'Scuse me - _Doctor_ honey," Zed grins, tying a medical face mask around the back of his head and purposely turning around before she gives the all-clear. "Well, now."

Patricia gives the same over-the-top gasp she'd let out earlier but this time, laughter is the last thing on his mind. He wets his lips with his tongue, taking in the sight of her nude body as she hurriedly closes the robe. "Oh...! I never said I was ready," she says awkwardly.

“I sure am sorry – coulda sworn I heard you sayin’ it was okay.” Zed searches her face for an indicator that the nervousness she’s broadcasting like crazy really _is_ pretend; he doesn’t want to break character and spoil it for her, but he should probably stop and ask in case she’s having second thoughts. “Trish? _Is_ it okay?” he asks carefully, pulling the mask down so that she sees more than just his eyes.

She licks her own lips, now. “You seemed so different. It was unsettling.”

“Bein’ different is kinda the whole point, honey. Need a minute, or you wanna stop?” he offers.

Patricia takes a deep breath, and the robe gapes open to display her bare breasts. Zed’s probably seen them a million times by now, but the sight never gets old. “You were very convincing, Zed.”

He scratches the side of his neck, flushing slightly. “That’s probably ‘cause I kinda wanted to do that to ya first time we met.” Her eyes widen in surprise. “Wasn’t much else to do at night in Fyrestone ‘cept jerk off…and what’s a man to do when a sweet thing like you shows up?”

She gazes at him in fascination, and he can tell that his admission has gotten her right back in the mood. Those perfect breasts are heaving as her breathing quickens, and Zed slowly reaches down to rub his cock through the layers of his clothing. Patricia's eyes follow the movement. “What did you think about as you…as you…”

“I _could_ tell you... but how’s about I show you instead?” he suggests. 

“Yes,” she says, rubbing a hand over her collarbone and shifting on the table. 

"Yes... _what?"_

Patricia's eyes gleam in understanding. "Yes, Doctor."

He walks closer, pulling the mask back up while she slowly ties her robe. "Now, what kinda exam could a pretty li'l thing like you possibly need?" Zed asks, reaching out to hook a few stray pieces of hair back behind her ear.

"I have been having strange sensations lately," Patricia says, splaying a hand over her breasts. "Here."

"That so?"

"And _here_ ," she tells him, touching her fingertips to her lower belly.

Zed places his hands on each side of her legs, leaning in. "That sounds serious...I'd best take a look." He goes through the motions of taking her vitals, purposefully turning it into foreplay by using lingering touches and murmured assessments that make her (very noticeably) short of breath. "I'm gonna open your robe up now - still feelin' okay?"

Patricia nods violently, shifting her hips. "Yes, Doctor Zed. Please continue."

He unties the belt and opens her robe, feeling her shiver as he eases it from her shoulders. Zed gazes at her breasts appreciatively and draws a gloved finger down between them. "You get uncomfortable at any time, you just let me know. _Now,_ " he says, spreading her knees and stepping between them, "about this _sensation_." He fills both palms with her breasts, kneading with gentle pressure. "You feelin' anything right now?"

"It's...it's very slight," Patricia says shakily.

Zed rubs his fingers over her hardened nipples, pinching and tugging gently while she gasps. "How 'bout this?"

"Yes, that's it. That is it _exactly_ ," she confirms, trying to reach under his smock until he grabs her wrists and places her arms back at her sides. " _Zed_...!"

He smiles and pinches harder, making her wriggle so hard that the robe slips off to the floor. Her arousal is plain to see in the wetness marking the insides of her spread thighs, and Zed reaches down to stroke a finger over her swollen labia. "Let's get you laid back, pretty girl."

"Yes," she moans, reaching for him again.

"Now, now..." Zed lifts his other hand to the closure on his smock, opening it and letting the heavy fabric fall to the floor. "You just lay on back while I take care of you." Zed lowers her onto the table so that she's lying flat, watching her moisten her lips when he reaches down to open his pants. Gripping the base of his erection with one hand, he adjusts her head with the other and walks around to the head of the table. Zed rubs the tip of his cock over Patricia's lips when she turns her head towards him, his precum leaving a sheen of moisture that glistens as her mouth opens eagerly for him. "That's it, open up," he whispers, and cups the back of her head as he slowly pushes inside her mouth.

Patricia moans around him, and the vibration of it causes a shiver to run through his frame. Zed strokes her hair and resumes teasing at her nipples, thrusting in and out of the wet warmth of her mouth. He smoothes his palm down her belly next. "Lift your legs up, sweetheart... _good_ girl, just like that."

Zed dips his fingers into the jar of medical-grade lubricant he'd opened before she arrived, and reaches down between her legs. Patricia's groan trails off into a whine as his fingers slide through her labia and circle over her clit, spreading her and teasing before pressing inside her body. She writhes as he finger-fucks her, unable to stay still, so Zed rolls her onto her side. Patricia draws off of him, gasping for air. " _Zed_ ," she moans, immediately going back to sucking him off. Her next demand is a bit muffled, but her body language is clear enough so he leans over and holds her down while moving his fingers as fast as he can. His knuckles bump against her pubis, and Zed spreads her wide so that he can rub her clit while he fingers her. The wet squelch of his gloves and the _sounds_ she's making...

"Watch the teeth," he warns automatically, knowing how close she is and having intimate knowledge of how her jaw behaves as she reaches climax. Patricia has her fingernails sunk into his ass, which means he can't retreat to safety, so he's just going to have to trust that she won't bite down. An idea comes to him before _she_ can, and Zed scoops up more lubricant. Just as he'd thought might happen, her eyes fly wide in shock as he circles his fingers around her anus.

He pulls out of her mouth. "We didn't discuss this," Patricia babbles.

"Just relax, Trish. You're gonna love it, and you know I'd never hurt you," Zed coaxes, still using his other hand on her clit. His finger sinks into her past the first knuckle, and Patricia looses a confused wail of pleasure. "Feels real good, huh?"

"Yes, but- _oooooh...!_ Are you...are you sure this is what you wanted?"

Zed's confused until he remembers what he'd told her he had fantasized about. "Oh, honey. I wanted to fuck you in the ass soon as I saw you." Her moans grow louder and more ragged as he stretches her open carefully. "This sweet ass was _made_ for my cock to get rammed up inside it. I know you're gonna feel so damned _good_ , pretty girl. It's been so hard to wait but you're gonna let me do it right now - I could come just from thinkin' about it." Zed has no idea where these words are even coming from; it's like he just can't help it. Thankfully it seems like Patricia loves hearing him say it; he's so hard it feels as if someone's shoved an iron bar under his aching skin. "Please don't say no, honey, _please_ let me," he begs her.

Patricia thrashes on the table, eyes wild as she looks up at him. "Yes," she moans, pressing against his hands. "It feels...ah! _Zed_."

His hands are trembling as he carefully positions her onto her left side, making sure she's slick enough before lining himself up. "It's gonna be so _good_ , Trish." Zed presses against her slowly, waiting for her body to accept the intrusion, and strips off his gloves. "You like that, honey? That okay?" he starts rubbing her clit again, breathing hard. She's so wet for him. He's never had _anyone_ want him this much. "God, I love you. You feel so fuckin' _good_...!"

He carefully begins to move in and out, and it's so much better than he'd ever thought it could be. Patricia's desperate, needy cries fill his ears as he works her into a frenzy - when she comes, her muscles tighten around him and she screams his name like she's _frightened_ of feeling so good. Zed sucks his lower lip between his teeth, biting down until he tastes blood. He wants to last just a little bit longer, just a few more minutes because it really is what he's always wanted and he plans to enjoy it while he can. She might decide this sort of thing just isn't for her, no matter how much wriggling and moaning she's still doing. "Oh, Zed. _Zed_ ," Patricia groans, sounding delirious.

Zed lifts her right leg up against his chest and adjusts her carefully so that she's flat on her back once again. She gazes up at him when he pulls out, stepping back and quickly stripping the rest of his clothes off before grasping her hips and shoving back inside the welcoming heat of her body. "You're so damned tight, honey. It's like you were _made_ for me to fuck," he growls, thrusting into her hard enough to make Patricia cry out and grasp the sides of the table so that she won't slide right off the head of it. Zed backs out and thrusts inside, over and over while he sucks at the blood still oozing from his lip. The coppery tang of it fills his mouth and she fills his head until all he wants to do is fill _her_.

His fingers dig into her thighs, holding her steady as he pounds into her. Patricia's body writhes under the onslaught, and he snaps his hips until his pleasure finally reaches its peak. Zed surges against her as the long-held ache in his balls is released deep inside her body, and he cries out helplessly. He drops down over her, bracing his arms on the sides of the warm metal and using his lower body to shove her up to the head of the exam table. Zed manages to lift himself up on top of Patricia before he collapses, suddenly too exhausted to even apologize for how heavy he is.

Patricia accepts his weight without protest, reaching her arms around him as he shudders and gasps. "Oh, Zed," she says tenderly, alternately stroking his neck and rubbing her palms down his back. "That was wonderful. Could we do it again?"

"Just...just gimme a second," Zed mumbles, pressing his face against the side of her neck. "Good _Lord_. Sorry for squishin' ya; I'll move soon's I'm able."

She reaches down to pat his backside. "Not at all. I have always enjoyed the feeling of you becoming un-hard inside me, and this time is no different...though it is odd that I can only feel it at the point of _entry_ ," Patricia murmurs wonderingly, that brilliant mind of hers shifting right back into high gear. Zed closes his eyes and lets the sound of her voice wash over him as she begins chattering about their history of sexual experimentation, still stroking his back lovingly and turning her head for occasional kisses that land on the shell of his ear. 

When he regains enough of his strength to pull away, Patricia complains until she realizes that he simply wants to move into the cubicle directly behind his desk where he's pushed the pads from the remaining gurneys together and spread blankets atop them to create a makeshift bed. "Only place with nerve endings is right at the surface," Zed finally tells her, dumping their clothes onto his desk before joining her under the blankets. "The muscles keepin' the whole thing closed," he clarifies when she looks at him quizzically. "You said you didn't feel nothin' - that's why."

"So just about anything could be inserted, and I wouldn't feel a thing."

"Well, I _guess_. I mean, you might be able to fit an entire rocket launcher in there if you believe in yourself enough... but you'd stretch somethin' awful." Zed yawns and reaches out to caress her exposed breast, smiling when she arches her back for more. "You would not _believe_ what I've had to get out of people's behinds."

Patricia laughs, tugging his head down to her chest. "Like what?"

"Grenades are real popular for some reason, but this one time I had someone in with a nova shield stuck up there - one of the shock ones." He starts laughing just thinking about it. "Man, you shoulda seen it; every damn time I got that thing depleted, I had to back up so the nova wouldn't catch me then I had about five seconds to run back and see if I could get it out - finally I had to go get a shield from my vendor but then it turned out that wasn't enough, so here I am wearin' _two_ of 'em with nova blasts goin' off left and right because one of _my_ shields had the wrong label on it. I mean, the guy lived to tell the tale but his hair sure looks funny and he's probably still lookin' all surprised." 

Both of them are laughing by the time he finishes the story, and Patricia wipes at her eyes. "I am going to assume the nova caught you more than once - it is terrible, yet hilarious. What happened to your patient?"

"I'm pretty sure he moved to Hollow Point so I wouldn't tell anyone he knew about that mess...as for me? Yeah, that nova got me a couple times; I still get a hard-on whenever I'm within ten feet of a live wire!"

They start laughing again, and Patricia sits up to lean back against the wall. "You're _sure_ no one will try to interrupt us here?"

"Pretty sure. I _should_ probably move that Technical, though - Marcus might try the door if he thinks I'm in here, but his shop was closed when I drove by. Don't think Scooter'd try peepin' after what happened last time we caught him...but that's another reason why I picked this place. No windows, only the one door. It's just me an' you, sweetheart." Zed reaches out to take her hand, and she smiles back at him. "You just curious, or askin' for the reason I _hope_ you're askin'?"

"That would depend on what you are hoping." Patricia draws the blanket down to expose her chest once again and she beckons to him. "I believe you were busy stimulating me before getting sidetracked by an Amp shield."

He leans over to kiss her. "Nova shield. I gotta go get cleaned up first, then I'm all yours."

"Oh, good," she says cheerfully. "Perhaps this time _I_ can be the unscrupulous, sex-crazed physician."

"Sure thing. You didn't bring a rocket launcher along, right?"

"No, I left it at home." Patricia watches him wash himself at the sink and requests that he rinse twice - she doesn't like the taste of soap. He brings her a wet washcloth and a towel, rearranging the table and aiming the heater into their little corner. When Zed settles back into her arms, she gives him a lingering kiss and tells him that she loves him. "I think that I can wait for another time to pretend to be someone I'm not. For now...you be you, and I'll be me."

Zed leans in for another kiss. "Sounds like a plan."

"Next time, you could be a Vault Hunter."

"Okay." he nuzzles her neck.

"I could be the Vault itself, and you must open me!"

"Alrighty then," Zed agrees. "Ain't there monsters in those? What'll I do after the Vault's open?"

They sink down in the warmth of the blankets and Patricia wraps her legs around his waist with a contented sigh. "You'll obviously have to destroy it by using a nova burst from your shield."


End file.
